Quotations by Shannon Kolakowski

How someone treats you is a reflection of who that person is, not who you are. If someone is cruel toward you or makes harsh judgments about you based on a brief interaction, it reflects that person's inconsiderate behavior or judgmental predisposition, rather than being an indication of any shortcomings on your part. Therefore, if someone does respond critically or harshly toward you, you might consider whether that's really the kind of person you'd want to have a relationship with. Entering a relationship with someone who's hypercritical is a recipe for an unhealthy and unhappy dynamic, no matter how attractive or accomplished that person may be. In this case, you can view rejection as a blessing in disguise, saving you from going out with someone who's unkind. [2014] - Shannon Kolakowski

Research has shown that practicing mindful breathing for forty-five minutes daily for eight weeks can significantly reduce anxiety. Studies have shown that denying or trying to avoid upsetting emotions leads to greater anxiety, whereas being accepting and tolerant of those emotions leads to less distress. [2014] - Shannon Kolakowski

Some people react to anxiety not by withdrawing, but by seeking attachment to a someone who isn't a good fit for them or doesn't reciprocate their feelings. It's natural to want to be liked and accepted, particularly for people who struggle with self-doubt and low self-esteem. But sometimes getting caught up in wanting to be liked detracts from the equally important issue of deciding whether the other person is someone you want to be with. [2014] - Shannon Kolakowski

Don't be afraid to trust your instincts. Instincts are different than urges. Whereas urges occur as a reaction to anxiety, instincts are natural feelings you get when you consider the relationship as a whole. While feeling comfortable and self-confident around someone new can take time, there are certain indicators that a person may not be good relationship material: being argumentative or disrespectful, being late on a regular basis, making jokes at your expense, expecting you to pay for everything, calling at the last minute or infrequently, or ignoring your calls. It's best to let these people go, even if it means being single a big longer, rather than to settle and then spend months or years feeling discontent or trying to change your partner. Don't be afraid to end it. Someone better for you will come along. [2014] - Shannon Kolakowski

Research indicates that people who fear being single often end up settling for less in their relationships. Struggling with shyness and anxiety can exacerbate this fear of being single. But settling for someone who doesn't really hold the qualities you desire isn't the only choice you have. Regardless of whether you are shy or anxious, setting your sights on finding a compatible partner who can enhance your life is crucial to your satisfaction. [2014] - Shannon Kolakowski

So often, people sacrifice hope because they fear being let down. The truth is, we can't avoid disappointment or being hurt; it's part of life. It's important to recognize that the sweet spots in life, the truly meaningful moments, may include some disappointments as well as hope. Allowing yourself to face the possibility of disappointment and even embrace the idea of being uncomfortable is a freeing way to live. It stretches your limits and increases your capacity to experience joy and meaning in life. If you allow both hope and disappointment, both fear and excitement, to exist within you, you can embrace the good that comes your way while knowing that you can deal with whatever difficulties arise. [2014] - Shannon Kolakowski

Interdependence develops when two people regularly share their intimate thoughts and feelings, express affection to each other, ask for and give support to each other, and forgive one another. Interdependence develops gradually, over time, and is a key component in long-term, committed relationships. Creating interdependence in a new relationship requires that you let the other person know how you feel. Let her know that you think about her when she's not around. Tell him you thought of him when you were on a work trip and brought him a souvenir. When you see that your partner is struggling or needs you, be there for him emotionally. [2014] - Shannon Kolakowski

After the first few times someone cancels, declines an invitation, or claims to be busy, it's probably best to let it go or to leave it to the other person to make another move. You may want to avoid calling or texting the person or leaving Facebook messages. You might want to resist the urge to try to run into her in places where she hangs out or ask a mutual friend what she's up to. Pursuing someone who's disinterested will probably make you feel worse. [2014] - Shannon Kolakowski